Thursday, February 21, 2013

Mid-life crisis?

No, I'm not buying a convertible or dating a young guy (who wants to housebreak a new one?), but I have been feeling distracted, moody, and dissatisfied. And I think I'm dissatisfied with myself more than with the external aspects of my life. On paper, things are great. But my attitude has not been so great, especially about work. I am finding it hard to feel engaged with my work, especially with grading papers.

I still have not developed a writing habit, despite this being a big dream and goal of mine. And my dreams are reproaching me. One night I dreamed that I went to a big exciting city, but instead of exploring it, I sat in an alleyway on an old sofa, surrounded by baboons, watching television. Last night, after having told a friend I dreamed of having a house on the ocean where I could putter around all day and write, I dreamed of a spoiled girl who had gotten rich and famous unexpectedly and had a house on the beach. All she did was complain.

I am dissatisfied with my inability to do the things I say I want to do. Write books, lose weight.  Maybe I need a happiness project of my own.

6 comments:

  1. Oldest struggled with grading papers last semester. He now does X amount on set days. So you might consider adding that approach to your Home Routines App, to space it evenly (this is assuming that you put it off).

    The couch in the alley with the baboons and a TV was pretty awesome visual actually. Do you remember what you all were watching? Downton Abbey? TBL?

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  2. What you describe is so true for so many of us. I've been retired for four years, and I struggle to get things done. I seem to be too busy to write much, which has also been my greatest desire. I think this inertia may be part of the human condition, and it comes and goes during the course of a person's life. Nevertheless, I'm trying to light a fire under myself, and although the flame burns steadily, creating a contented and cozy existence, I long for a bonfire of creativity and achievement...just once more in my life. If it happens, I swear I will stoke the fires until the end and not let it get away from me again. I wish the same for you...and in the meantime, in the scheme of things, we're doing better than we think, during the winter of our discontent.

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  3. My job was downsized a little over a year ago and I struggled with doing much of anything for a while. I am almost 60 starting over is difficult. I definitely have my groove back I haven't found a job. I'm overqualified! It surely has nothing to do with my age. I just mentally am in a good place now. I may be short on cash but I am long on relaxation and time. Just find something new to renew your spirits. I started working on genealogy and blogging, I have enjoyed both so much.

    Betty

    http://agutandabutt.blogspot.com/

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  4. I find that when I'm stuck in a funk, the reason I'm not evolving is because my environment hasn't changed for quite sometime, and I'm settled far enough into my new niche that I've can be efficiently lazy with my surroundings.

    To add to that, being efficient in some things usually sets me up to take on a variety of other menial tasks for other people, or entertainment activities that surround themselves around consuming stuff. New TV shows, webcomics, etc. I fill in the space until I don't think I have the time to do anything other than what I'm doing.

    It's a trap that I can only break out of by paring back on my "un"official to-do list. But simply doing that isn't enough. I have to follow up with changing up my environment some how on top of this. It's always those drastic changes that seem to squeeze out growth. Basically anything that makes me incredibly uncomfortable will make me find a little something more inside. Or the flip side is to surround myself with people who work and create more than I do, throwing themselves into their hobbies with abandon.

    I go through these kinds of cycles of hypomotivation and guilt trips all the time. The only thing that has ever worked is changing up the external, and forcing the internal to react. Sadly, the pay back doesn't happen over night. I think my roommate put it best. Depression is like walking 50 miles into a winding, dark cave. The decision to return can be made in a moment, but it takes 50 miles and one step to get back out. Apathy isn't depression, but they're cousins.

    Best of luck. And hugs.

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  5. i feel you jen. stagnant is the word i keep thinking of.

    that dream sounds very significant, yikes! do you feel there is something stopping you, a fear, a belief of some kind?

    thinking of you!

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    Replies
    1. I should clarify "stagnant" is the word i keep thinking of for MY life :)

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"Count your calories, work out when you can, and try to be good to yourself. All the rest is bulls**t." -- Jillian Michaels at BlogHer '07