Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
I finally got in to an opthamologist to examine my eyes, instead of an optometrist. She confirmed my suspicion that this is allergy-related and said I need to blink more (maybe cutting back on recreational computer use would help), use a different allergy eye drop, and do twice-daily eyelid scrubs. I have a follow-up in a month to see how it's going.
I had to get an injection of radioactive dye and return a few hours later to get scanned. It took about an hour total. I should have results early next week.
I'm trying to think of a big, exciting topic for my last 2011 post. Come back tomorrow to see if I succeeded!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
It's somewhat interesting to hear the questions people have and eavesdrop on people's problems. The interesting thing to me is that most of them seem to be calling more to have someone listen to their question or story, but Dr. Browne inevitably cuts them off. I know that a radio show can't allow people to ramble on endlessly, but she seems determined to jump to advice before really hearing them out. I find this frustrating, since hearing people's questions is a lot more interesting than hearing her answers. The show is almost the opposite of real therapy, where the shrink listens to you while you figure out your own problems.
I have developed a sort of typology of people's questions. A fairly large percentage of people's questions could be rephrased as Category 1: "Tell me how I can stick my nose into something that is none of my business." To her credit, Dr. Browne tells them they can't. Another hefty chunk fall into Category 2: "Tell me it's OK to do the thing I am doing even though I know I shouldn't." Again, they get no love from Dr. Joy. There are also the Category 3: "Tell me I'm right in this argument I'm having with my friend/family member." Sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't, but usually being right doesn't matter because it's really a Category 1 question.
It's hard to tell how many people actually find the advice and answers useful, since Dr. Browne likes to wrap up her calls by repeating her advice two or three more times, verbatim, instead of checking in with the caller to see what they think of it. I know the show is more for entertainment value than to really help people, but sometimes people call in with very serious problems. I hope there is a way to keep those callers on the line for referral to real resources. I also wonder if there is ever any attempt made to see how the advice worked, they way they do on "Car Talk" with Stump the Chumps.
My guess is no, because it's probably better to think of people like this as pundits than as serious professionals. They are judged by their audience according to their entertainment value, not their accuracy. A recent study found that most pundits are less accurate at predicting the future than a coin flip, and that the more popular the pundit, the less accurate they were:
You show up, you say a bunch of stuff, and you never worry that you'll ever be held accountable for whatever you get wrong. That's why if you choose that path in life, you may as well be bold and make a bunch of insane predictions, because you're just as liable to accrue renown for being crazy as you are for being correct.That explains Ann Coulter. And Judge Judy, and Dr. Laura. Actually, that explains a lot.
I'm looking forward to my podcasts going back to their regular schedules. In the meantime, have a good podcast to suggest?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Here are the habits I'm starting to work on now so that I can have a happier new year:
- Logging food and exercise every day, no excuses.
- Planning ahead for exercise and meals. It always makes a huge difference for me when I take the time to actually do it.
- Interrupting my negative self-talk, both out loud and inside my head.
Monday, December 26, 2011
My drugs of choice: Skincare products, makeup, hair care products, diet books, and exercise equipment. Clothes too, when I'm willing to go near a dressing room.
My neuroses are pretty transparent.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Monroe St,Sylvania,United States
Sunday, December 25, 2011
The color is called "Teenage Dream " and it's part of the Katy Perry OPI collection. For once I picked this by color and not for the fun OPI name. I liked the color because it was subtle and still fit into my pale pink comfort zone and was sparkly enough to be festive. It looked great for a night out or for a party, but I even like just looking at my sparkly fingers as I type.
Do you have a special way you like to add sparkle to your holiday look? Feel free to share it in the comments section of the latest BlogHer Life Well Lived post. While you're there, you can enter to win a Kindle Fire and a $50 Amazon gift card in the Life Well Lived sweepstakes.
I had a lot of fun, but I'm pretty tired after this holiday. I'm glad at least my fingers have a little sparkle left in them.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Good news: Stress fractures heal, if given rest and time.
Bad news: All my physical therapy probably did nothing to help, and my attempts to keep running were definitely not helpful.
Nothing showed up on the X-ray, so I need a nuclear bone scan to confirm the diagnosis.
As a bonus, we got to chat about my "bunion deformity" and how that may need surgery someday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
- Getting fitted for shoes: At least 5 times, different fitters, different advice, always resulted in $100+ disappointing shoes
- Buying anti-pronation shoes
- Buying shoes that claim to support healthy pronation
- Buying minimalist shoes
- Buying shoes a size larger
- Buying shoes a size wider
- Buying shoes a size wider and a size larger
- Vibrams: Only for short runs, they were very uncomfortable
- Running in flip-flops: Yes, I did try it, very dumb idea
- Actually going barefoot a la Chris McDougall: Cold and not super-comfy
- Eating chia seeds: Well, it couldn't hurt, but it didn't help either
- Physical therapy: Several times
- Strength training
- Seeing a podiatrist: Seeing another one today
- Off-the-shelf inserts
- Various different training programs designed to ease me painlessly into some distance
- Running only on soft trails
- Forefoot running
- Running only every other day
- Running only a couple of days a week
- Running even more infrequently than that
- Taking time off running and then trying to start again very slowly
- Running slower
- Walk-run intervals
- Anti-inflammatory drugs
- Crying: Well, not a strategy, more of a result of the above not helping
I have had a dysfunctional relationship with running for most of those years. Running has gotten wrapped up in my quest for thinness, beauty, and unconditional acceptance and has suffered as a result. I have always, in some way, bought in to the idea that if I could just train enough and in the right way, I would be effortlessly thin. This has led to some very bad behaviors. Sometimes I have overtrained to the point of being sick. Other times, I have refused to lace up my shoes because I wouldn't be fast enough or good enough.
The other day my physical therapist said that he wasn't sure I would ever be able to run without injury, that maybe I should consider other activities. He knows that running means a lot to me but also thinks that I'm causing problems for myself by continuing to run. I was dressed to run that day, but went to the park and walked instead, trying to consider what a life without running would mean to me.
The first thing, of course, is that I whipped myself into a frenzy of fear. I am already heavier than I want to be and I have the deep fear that if I don't run, I will gain more weight and end up back in the 200s. This is a very unhappy story, but logically I know that it doesn't have to be true. Every reputable source seems to indicate that dietary management is the key to weight management, not activity. Even if I need to burn calories, there are a lot of other things I can do: Spinning classes, swimming, weight lifting, hiking, yoga, incline walking, sports.
It takes a while to get past that huge fear and consider the loss of the activity itself. The way that I can lace up my shoes and go to the park to meditate on my feet, to outrun anxiety, to just enjoy watching the scenery change with the seasons. I know I could walk instead, but it isn't the same.
I would also lose part of my identity, the part that is a runner and a triathlete. I have never been a superstar at either of these activities. I came to them both late in life and at first, was just happy to be able to participate. I still have that part of me that is surprised and delighted to be an athlete of any sort. I'm not quite ready to give that up. Even when my races are disappointing, as they have been lately, they still mean a lot to me. I have a t-shirt that declares "I run therefore I am." I bought it as sort of a joke, because I thought it was an arrogant, annoying sentiment, but a part of me believes that it is true. The times I have not been able to run have been unhappy times for me. It's especially hard because my husband is a runner, and we would lose something we have in common.
I am still hoping that the physical therapist is wrong, that I can find a way to run again. Maybe it's the excess weight that is causing the injury, and not so much the running, and if I could find a way to lose it, I could get back to running. Maybe I need to run differently, or wear different shoes, or inserts, or something. I have an appointment with a podiatrist today and I am still hoping she will have some good news.
If the worst happens and I can't run, I have to find a way to make a non-running life work. Lots of people do it.
I just don't want to be one of them.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I had planned to finally schedule in some "me time" to work on a vision board for the new year and maybe get a pedicure. Instead I tried to finish up some last-minute Christmas shopping. I still have a few more presents left to buy, and nothing is wrapped yet. Today isn't looking good for "me time" either.
This end-of-year craziness is just exhausting. I think I have to apologize for my "Christmas is not a test" post, because it's beginning to feel that way to me, that I am just not going to be able to fit everything in.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, December 18, 2011
I had six or seven exercise classes that were going to expire at a fitness studio where I usually take Pilates. I decided to spend them all rather than trying to extend them into the New Year. I thought this would give me a bit of a fitness head start. I'm taking classes that I don't usually take to shake things up and figure out what classes I like. I will be working on a new workout schedule that incorporates more strength training and also hits each of the three disciplines (running, biking, swimming) at least once a week.
My husband and I also have agreed that we need to do a better job of planning our meals. I bought a little dry-erase board for the fridge that was intended as a family schedule. We are going to use the big space to write in meals and the smaller spaces to put important events. The goal is to sit down and plan out meals and a shopping list each week together.
I bought Flat Belly Diet book (in Kindle format) for my iPad and am going to pick up a copy of the Flat Belly Diet Cookbook for recipe ideas. I don't plan to follow the diet exactly (no 1200-calorie jump start for me, thanks), but I do think the philosophy fits the foods we both like very well and the recipes seem like things we would like. We both would like to lose weight, especially in the belly area, and if eating things like nuts, avocados, olive oil, and dark chocolate would help, then that's terrific. The plan also emphasizes healthy, whole foods, which is another plus in my book. The meals seem sized well for my appetite and having some leftovers that my husband could take in his lunches would be a nice bonus. I also have Full-Filled on pre-order to help me get my head together.
The final thing I need to work on is stress management. I need to have systems in place for keeping the house organized, because when it's a mess I feel like a mess. These systems need to involve both human members of the family (cannot get the cats to pick up after themselves no matter how much I lecture them) and need to be simple. I also need to plan in time for relaxation instead of overscheduling myself so much.
Does that sound like a lot? It is, but I have the rest of December to work out the details.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I have been having recurrent issues with redness and irritation in my eyes, mostly the left. I have been back and forth to the doctor for six months or more, once with a corneal ulcer. Every time I have a problem, he prescribes a different antibiotic eyedrop and/or steroid, suggests artificial tears, and sends me on my way. This latest time, I asked if he could tell me why I kept having this problem. He couldn't. I asked if he could refer me to an opthamologist (he's an optician). He said no, that this is something he could handle and that only an "unethical" opthamologist would see me unless I was having eye surgery. He gave me a combination antibiotic and steroid and sent me on my way.
I liked my eye doctor. I had been seeing him for almost twenty years. However, the fact that he was unwilling to consider that the problem I was having was outside his area of expertise, even though he had no diagnosis for the problem, frustrates me. Continually taking antibiotic drops for something that may or may not have been a bacterial infection also concerned me. My veterinarian sends out samples from my cats to a lab when an infection is suspected, so why, when dealing with a human eye, would a doctor try to treat without knowing the cause? What if there is a very serious issue that is not getting addressed because of the "here, try this?" approach?
I tried to figure out the motive for this attitude. I know that since I have vision insurance, I am a valuable customer and he might not have wanted to lose me. If I had been able to get a referral, though, I probably would have stayed with him for my glasses and contact lenses. This situation has made me want to change doctors completely, for everything. I have an appointment with an opthamologist in a couple of weeks. Until then, I will probably just wear my glasses.
Friday, December 16, 2011
I have been feeling frazzled and full of dread because of the end of the semester. But I find that many seemingly normal people hear the word "Christmas" and think, "ohmygodihavesomuchtodoanditsimpossible." I don't know if people who celebrate other winter holidays feel so much pressure and insanity, but Christians sure managed to turn a celebration of "comfort and joy" into a fear that they didn't decorate right, didn't buy the right gifts, etc. it's supposed to be a nice time with family, not a test, isn't it?
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
When I lost weight the last time, I thought I had it all figured out. I believed in the idea of "flip the switch," that once I had mastered weight loss, that I could not un-master it. I was ready to tell the world what I knew and I had no doubt I would be able to maintain forever. I even thought about writing a weight-loss memoir. I am so glad that I did not do that, even assuming the lottery-win chances of getting a book contract. Because now when I think back to all of that "information" I thought I had, I have no insight I can use to get back into that flipped-switch mindset. I exercised then, I exercise now. I avoided fast food restaurants like the plague then and I still do. I only very rarely drank soda, fancy coffee drinks, and juice then and now. I had very little alcohol then and now. I ate a lot of fruits and vegetables and I still do.
I have been trying so hard to "get back" to the way I was, to flip that switch again. But I think the reason that I didn't stay at my goal weight is that the lifestyle I used to create it was unsustainable in many ways. I exercised more then than I do now, and did it to the point of near-obsessiveness and eventual injury. I kept a much tighter control over my food but it was a sheer act of will that is hard to duplicate, and sometimes depressing to even think about.
There are a few lessons I wish I could bring forward. I happened to pass string cheese at the grocery store, and it reminded me of how I always was careful to pack snacks when I was going to be at work for long stretches of time. I took care of myself so I wouldn't be stuck hungry when tempting food is around. I planned my meals and used new recipes more often so I could keep lower-calorie food more interesting. I keep telling myself I will do these things again but I always fall off in a few days. I have gotten out of the habit of self-care.
I am beginning to believe that there is no switch to flip. Every day, each choice takes us a tiny step closer to our goals or a tiny step further away, though we can build habits so we don't have to make each of those choices individually, especially in moments of weakness or hunger. We can take the time to prepare for success so that we're not unintentionally setting ourselves up to fail. It's that "success scaffolding" that makes the difference between the way up and the way down. I need to rebuild it, and stronger.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
You should care more about superficial luxuries then your own health. I hate pointing this out because it's negative. Ultimately though there is nothing more important then your health. There really isn't any excuse not to take care of yourself.They are getting closer to making sense, though.
Friday, December 09, 2011
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
To record mileage for reimbursement reports:
To explain why I'm late:
To remind my husband to buy the one kind of dryer sheet that doesn't make me itch:
Or the brand of food our cats like:
To remind someone to vote:
And these are just ones I had in my photo stream. I also have:
Shown the mechanic what the funny puddle under my car looked like
Remembered where I parked by taking a picture of the row/section sign
Taken a photo of something before taking it apart
Used it to show a hardware store employee what part I needed
Remember when you used to take pictures and not know whether they turned out for at least a week? Who would have thought it would be so cheap and easy to take pictures that snapping a picture would be the fastest way to record and share information?
Now try to imagine what technology we will be using in 15 years that will be equally revolutionary! I can't either.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Last year around my birthday, I went to a dermatologist, but all they did was recommend very harsh prescription treatments that made my skin flare up even worse. When I said one product made my skin peel, they gave me another product with even more of the active ingredient. I stopped going back after that.
Any recommendations for me?
Monday, December 05, 2011
I want to reach and maintain a healthy, slim weight. I want to live a lifestyle that allows this to feel natural for me. I also want to get more organized in my financial and work life so that I feel less stressed.
2. What are the benefits and consequences, both direct and indirect, of getting what you want?
I think I would enjoy life more without the constant worry over how people might be judging me. I would probably spend less on clothes if I could trust that anything I wore would look good. I would definitely spend less on beauty products. If I were more organized, I would make better use of my time, resulting in both more productivity and less stress. This might free up time and energy for chasing new goals.
- How specifically do these benefits and consequences increase in a year’s time? I think if I could reach and maintain this lifestyle for a while, I might be more empowered to start following bigger dreams, like writing.
- In two year’s time? I think after two years, I would have the benefit of feeling like this was my new "normal." Maybe I could submit a manuscript or a book proposal by then.
- In five and 10 years? In this timeframe, I will be eligible to apply for promotion, so I need to make sure that I am laser-beam focused on my work goals. I might consider looking for a job at a public university after attaining a higher rank if I thought I would be a good candidate, which is another incentive to work hard. Writing projects could supplement my income or just give me another way to express my creativity.. Hopefully by then, healthy living will just be what I do so and I will have my routines in place. I imagine that this will make a big difference in my overall health. In 10 years I will be getting ready to turn 51, so good health habits could make a big difference in how I feel.
Nothing is stopping me except me. I think I could achieve these goals if I make them a priority and am patient with myself. I need to take a "growth mindset" and stop thinking that it is risky to try for the things I want. I need to think about how I can help myself be successful instead of just hoping that something will happen to magically take me to my goals. I can only fail if I don't try.
I want to stay fit long into old age. I may or may not be doing triathlons, but I hope I am still swimming and biking and doing yoga, at least. Or maybe I will find a whole new level of fitness.
As for the writing, I need to do it for its own sake and not in hopes of being "rich and famous." I have managed to do that with painting and drawing, so I need to have the same attitude of fun and exploration with writing, both academic writing and "fun" writing.
I have lots of dreams for other parts of my life too. I want to travel. I have been taking French lessons just in case anyone wants to sweep me off to Europe. I want to go back with my husband several times, to different countries, and really take our time and enjoy things. I want to visit the developing world, too. I think it would be life-changing to see how people manage to survive and even thrive with much less material possessions than we have here.
Mostly I just want to have more fun and be less self-conscious. I want to loosen up a lot more and feel that there are many possibilities for where I can go from here.
Sunday, December 04, 2011
I was sitting through a presentation the other day on different kinds of motivation and it reminded me of Reneé's "towards" and "away-from" motivation. The presenter first described a reactive motivation, which is moving away from pain. The results of this kind of motivation look like this:
Why is that? Because when we are failing, we feel bad about it. But once we start succeeding, we can make other people around us uncomfortable, and that can make us lose motivation or sabotage ourselves. The only place that feels safe for a person in reactive mode is when they aren't being noticed at all.
It really struck me how much this felt like my weight loss motivation. When I am feeling conspicuously heavy, I tend to feel motivated to make changes, but once I start getting too many comments from people around me on my weight loss, I can become uncomfortable and then I feel myself losing motivation. I know that I've talked about this before, so the real revelation in this talk was what to do instead.
What to do instead is to move toward a compelling vision. Similar to Reneé's "towards" motivation. We also need to shift our reactive motivations to a more creative kind of motivation. So if we are focused on fitting in, we should work toward building healthier relationships. If we are motivated by a need to control ourselves and others, we need to work toward a healthier achievement-oriented mindset. If we are motivated by a need to protect ourserlves (this felt like me), we need to move toward authenticity and self-awareness. This can produce results more like this:
The move from protection to authenticity reminded me of Breneé Brown's discussion of shame and vulnerability. And it also reminded me of another book I'm reading, Mindset by Carol Dweck, which discusses the benefits of the growth mindset (people can work to improve their basic ability level in areas like intelligence and athletics through hard work and learning) vs. the fixed mindset (people have a certain amount of ability, and performance is an opportunity to show that ability). People in a fixed mindset would oscillate too, because when they inevitably hit a hard patch or a failure, they would decide that they weren't really meant to succeed and would give up. They might get motivated again when they started to fear that others would think they were untalented and unworthy, but they would never achieve the kind of success that comes from facing challenges.
I really think it's amazing how the same messages keep coming back to me from so many sources. It helps reinforce their value.
Saturday, December 03, 2011
1. What results do you want?
I want to be relaxed and comfortable around food. I want to make good choices for myself and my long-term health. I want to maintain a healthy, slim weight. I want to continue to improve my fitness and health. I want to be more conscious of the choices I am making in every area of my life and feel confident that I am making good ones. I want to be more organized at work and start using my time better. I want to get my finances in order and get out of debt.
2. Imagine for a moment not getting what you want. Imagine continuing on the path you are on now. Think of health, relationships, self esteem, finances, career, fulfillment when answering:
- The consequences are that I might continue to gain weight or at least not manage to lose weight. I will continue to have a stressful relationship to food and fitness. I will still feel overwhelmed, stressed and frazzled at work. I would probably be deeper in debt.
- In two years' time? I would definitely stay at the same level or more likely, decline in health and happiness if I don't start working on building a healthier lifestyle. I would be starting to see negative consequences in my finances and at work.
- In five and 10 years? I could potentially start to see serious health consequences in this timeframe if I don't take control of my weight. I would continue to feel unfulfilled at work if I don't start organizing my time better and might not be promoted. I would have doubts about being able to have a good lifestyle in retirement.