I just finished up a three-and-a-half-day Kryptonite festival. Thursday and Friday I had meetings that tested and drained my willpower and I spent all day grading. Saturday I had a 1:00 p.m. meeting for a group where I hold a volunteer post, and I ended up getting a late start on a 2-hour drive and then hit construction. I was stuck in traffic for half an hour and I realized I had no time for lunch. Helpfully, the group's president had brought chips and cookies. Guess what I had for lunch? Then I sat through a three-hour meeting where I renewed my dislike for Robert, of Robert's Rules of Order. "I move that we disembowel Robert. Do we have a second?"
Meetings like these are my Kryptonite. They mess with my schedule. They mess with my mind. Frequently I have to use my precious willpower to stay quiet and calm when I am itching to tell someone off. Either they provide no food or they provide terrible food.
I was thinking about the phrase "I have really let myself go." Usually the emphasis is on GO, as in, go off the rails, go to chunky town. But I think the emphasis should be different. "I have really let my SELF go." I let everything get in the way of self-care, and that was not an indulgent act, it was a negligent one.
I let go of the self-care strategies that were helping me It was a domino effect.. I know that planning meals results in better results for me. I let that slide and relied on whatever I could find in the moment. I found some bite-sized Larabars at Target that were great for in my car for emergency situations like yesterday. I let myself run out and couldn't be bothered to restock them. I knew that logging my food helped me stay on track. I told myself I was "too busy" and let myself get behind to the point where it didn't seem worth it to start back up. Once things were on this downhill slide, I couldn't be bothered to open the app. I didn't bother to use my Clarisonic either, too much trouble.
I think on some level I tell myself that I'm not worth the trouble. That I shouldn't make other people feel uncomfortable by bringing my own food or insisting on eating the things I need to be successful. I don't bother to go to the store to restock the things that help me feel good. Not only do I feel a little bloated, but my skin is all broken out. My body doesn't like it when I don't take proper care of it.
When I got home tonight I had a good meal, leftovers from the last one I bothered to plan. I went for a walk. I wrote this blog post.
Tomorrow's weigh-in may be disappointing, but I still feel like I have made progress. I don't feel accountable to an external entity, even you, Gentle Readers. I just want to keep edging toward the me I want to be.