Sunday, October 14, 2012

More Kryptonite

I just finished up a three-and-a-half-day Kryptonite festival. Thursday and Friday I had meetings that tested and drained my willpower and I spent all day grading.  Saturday I had a 1:00 p.m. meeting for a group where I hold a volunteer post, and I ended up getting a late start on a 2-hour drive and then hit construction. I was stuck in traffic for half an hour and I realized I had no time for lunch. Helpfully, the group's president had brought chips and cookies.  Guess what I had for lunch? Then I sat through a three-hour meeting where I renewed my dislike for Robert, of Robert's Rules of Order. "I move that we disembowel Robert. Do we have a second?"

Meetings like these are my Kryptonite. They mess with my schedule. They mess with my mind. Frequently I have to use my precious willpower to stay quiet and calm when I am itching to tell someone off. Either they provide no food or they provide terrible food.

I was thinking about the phrase "I have really let myself go." Usually the emphasis is on GO, as in, go off the rails, go to chunky town.  But I think the emphasis should be different. "I have really let my SELF go." I let everything get in the way of self-care, and that was not an indulgent act, it was a negligent one.

I let go of the self-care strategies that were helping me It was a domino effect..  I know that planning meals results in better results for me. I let that slide and relied on whatever I could find in the moment.  I found some bite-sized Larabars at Target that were great for in my car for emergency situations like yesterday.  I let myself run out and couldn't be bothered to restock them.  I knew that logging my food helped me stay on track. I told myself I was "too busy" and let myself get behind to the point where it didn't seem worth it to start back up. Once things were on this downhill slide, I couldn't be bothered to open the app. I didn't bother to use my Clarisonic either, too much trouble.

I think on some level I tell myself that I'm not worth the trouble. That I shouldn't make other people feel uncomfortable by bringing my own food or insisting on eating the things I need to be successful.  I don't bother to go to the store to restock the things that help me feel good.  Not only do I feel a little bloated, but my skin is all broken out.  My body doesn't like it when I don't take proper care of it.

When I got home tonight I had a good meal, leftovers from the last one I bothered to plan. I went for a walk. I wrote this blog post.

Tomorrow's weigh-in may be disappointing, but I still feel like I have made progress. I don't feel accountable to an external entity, even you, Gentle Readers. I just want to keep edging toward the me I want to be.

6 comments:

  1. Is this an unusual schedule for you, or something that comes around on a regular basis? I had to look up Robert's rules. It all came flooding back with non-warm memories. I can see why he is not your favorite.

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    1. Unusual. Meetings are always in my life -- though people think we just teach, faculty spend a lot of time in meetings -- but not usually this many.

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  2. "But I think the emphasis should be different. "I have really let my SELF go.""

    Oh Jen, I love that... I completely understand what you mean by "I think on some level I tell myself that I'm not worth the trouble".

    Hopefully being aware of that will help us start to make more caring choices as time goes on?

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  3. when your energy is sapped by so many external things, it's hard to find leftover energy for yourself. you are dead on--self care has to come first. glad you found the energy to be compassionate with yourself & move forward.

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    1. I'm getting better, I think!

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"Count your calories, work out when you can, and try to be good to yourself. All the rest is bulls**t." -- Jillian Michaels at BlogHer '07