Sunday, October 14, 2012

More Kryptonite

I just finished up a three-and-a-half-day Kryptonite festival. Thursday and Friday I had meetings that tested and drained my willpower and I spent all day grading.  Saturday I had a 1:00 p.m. meeting for a group where I hold a volunteer post, and I ended up getting a late start on a 2-hour drive and then hit construction. I was stuck in traffic for half an hour and I realized I had no time for lunch. Helpfully, the group's president had brought chips and cookies.  Guess what I had for lunch? Then I sat through a three-hour meeting where I renewed my dislike for Robert, of Robert's Rules of Order. "I move that we disembowel Robert. Do we have a second?"

Meetings like these are my Kryptonite. They mess with my schedule. They mess with my mind. Frequently I have to use my precious willpower to stay quiet and calm when I am itching to tell someone off. Either they provide no food or they provide terrible food.

I was thinking about the phrase "I have really let myself go." Usually the emphasis is on GO, as in, go off the rails, go to chunky town.  But I think the emphasis should be different. "I have really let my SELF go." I let everything get in the way of self-care, and that was not an indulgent act, it was a negligent one.

I let go of the self-care strategies that were helping me It was a domino effect..  I know that planning meals results in better results for me. I let that slide and relied on whatever I could find in the moment.  I found some bite-sized Larabars at Target that were great for in my car for emergency situations like yesterday.  I let myself run out and couldn't be bothered to restock them.  I knew that logging my food helped me stay on track. I told myself I was "too busy" and let myself get behind to the point where it didn't seem worth it to start back up. Once things were on this downhill slide, I couldn't be bothered to open the app. I didn't bother to use my Clarisonic either, too much trouble.

I think on some level I tell myself that I'm not worth the trouble. That I shouldn't make other people feel uncomfortable by bringing my own food or insisting on eating the things I need to be successful.  I don't bother to go to the store to restock the things that help me feel good.  Not only do I feel a little bloated, but my skin is all broken out.  My body doesn't like it when I don't take proper care of it.

When I got home tonight I had a good meal, leftovers from the last one I bothered to plan. I went for a walk. I wrote this blog post.

Tomorrow's weigh-in may be disappointing, but I still feel like I have made progress. I don't feel accountable to an external entity, even you, Gentle Readers. I just want to keep edging toward the me I want to be.


  1. Is this an unusual schedule for you, or something that comes around on a regular basis? I had to look up Robert's rules. It all came flooding back with non-warm memories. I can see why he is not your favorite.

    1. Unusual. Meetings are always in my life -- though people think we just teach, faculty spend a lot of time in meetings -- but not usually this many.

  2. "But I think the emphasis should be different. "I have really let my SELF go.""

    Oh Jen, I love that... I completely understand what you mean by "I think on some level I tell myself that I'm not worth the trouble".

    Hopefully being aware of that will help us start to make more caring choices as time goes on?

  3. when your energy is sapped by so many external things, it's hard to find leftover energy for yourself. you are dead on--self care has to come first. glad you found the energy to be compassionate with yourself & move forward.

    1. I'm getting better, I think!


"Count your calories, work out when you can, and try to be good to yourself. All the rest is bulls**t." -- Jillian Michaels at BlogHer '07