Saturday, September 18, 2010

The radio station in my head

Even though I've been feeling more optimistic since I rejoined Weight Watchers, I still feel like I'm in a funk. I was listening to this passage from Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott and think it explains how I've been feeling perfectly:

If you are not careful, station KFKD (K-F****d) will play in your head twenty-four hours a day, nonstop, in stereo. Out of the right speaker in your inner ear will come the endless stream of self-aggrandizement, the recitation of one’s specialness, of how much more open and gifted and brilliant and knowing and misunderstood and humble one is. Out of the left speaker will be the rap songs of self-loathing, the lists of all the things one doesn’t do well, all the mistakes one has made today and over an entire lifetime, the doubt, the assertion that everything one touches turns to sh*t, that one doesn’t do relationships well, that one is in every way a fraud, incapable of selfless love, that one has no talent or insight, and on and on and on.

Exactly. What I love about Anne Lamott is she expresses the nasty little feelings and embarassing thoughts that are scurrying around in my head so perfectly, and in such a charming way that I realize that I probably am not as screwed up as I think I am.

Mostly I am doing fine. Coffee has become a major high point in my day, since it has almost no calories and wakes me up.   I spend a lot of time wishing I had gotten it together soon  enough to have some reasonable hope of being at goal by my 40th birthday in December. I am trying to turn down KFKD, focus on my behavior each day, and hope for the best.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, that station plays in my head a lot, too. And once it's on, it's hard to switch to another one. You're right: you are not as screwed up as you think you are. Wishing you had done something earlier can't turn back the clock. But you're doing something NOW. Maybe we all need K-NOW as an alternative to KFKD playing in our heads. The trick is knowing when to switch stations.

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"Count your calories, work out when you can, and try to be good to yourself. All the rest is bulls**t." -- Jillian Michaels at BlogHer '07