Sunday, December 08, 2013

Taking a new direction

Some lessons just keep circling around for me.  I have been thinking a lot about worthiness lately, and went searching for information on "Brene Brown hustling for worthiness" on the Google. I found my own blog post from 2011. Obviously, I'm still thinking about this.

With all the injuries I have been having, I realized that I have been treating my body not as a performance machine, but as an old beater car that I'm trying to get some more use out of before it finally falls apart.  As I get older (tomorrow is my 43rd birthday), I am going to need to change this attitude for good.  I want to find joy in movement and push my limits, but without crossing the line into self-punishment. It has been hard for me that my husband is an endurance athlete who has less injury problems than I have and has been more successful at losing weight, but I don't want to make him feel guilty about being healthy and fit. I just need to stop with the comparisons.

At Fitbloggin' this summer, Margo said that she always liked her body, even when she was heavier. The thought snuck in at the time, "How much easier would it be to pursue my goals if I didn't have all this junk in the way?" Her recent interview with Heather on Half Size Me was really great and helped bring this issue even more to the forefront.

Finally, this podcast by Renee Stephens (warning, all her tangents and fake "Oops, we're out of time" will drive you batty, but it does have good insights sometimes) helped me put it into words. People who are trying to prove their worthiness are prone to all sorts of annoying and self-destructive behaviors.

What if I accepted the love that is already all around me and internalized it? What if I stopped trying to be good enough and just decided to be myself?

I'm not giving up on weight loss but as I have said all along, I want to pursue it in a way that makes me happy, not miserable. One of the things that has been making me less happy is my public weigh-ins. When I mentioned that I was thinking of scrapping them, I didn't get much public outcry, so I am going to put them on hold and just check in with the Half Size Me Community. I may decide to pick them back up later, if they seem like they would help me. Weighing in publicly seems to go against the whole idea of "no prerequisites for worthiness."

So what can you expect to see here if I get rid of the weigh-ins? The rest of the things that seem to get pushed aside by the weight obsession: Reviews, fashion, beauty products I love, thoughts on what it means to be "perfect in our imperfections." I will still write about my workouts and my day-to-day life.  I hope the change will be positive. I feel like lately I have just been posting weigh-ins and Biggest Loser episode reviews.  So this will actually give a little more variety. I hope my regular readers will like the change.

2 comments:

  1. "What if I accepted the love that is already all around me and internalized it? What if I stopped trying to be good enough and just decided to be myself?"

    Wow that made me want to cry. I really feel you on this whole topic!

    I always like reading your checkins about what you're up to - activity, life, but the number isn't important! I'm glad you will be doing what feels good for you. We're getting to old to do anything else! ;)

    ReplyDelete

"Count your calories, work out when you can, and try to be good to yourself. All the rest is bulls**t." -- Jillian Michaels at BlogHer '07