Yesterday I took a Cycle/TRX class with a very nice instructor who hasn't had me in class before. She kept checking in with me in a way that brought shame and unwanted identity screaming to the foreground. Even though I had my own cycling shoes with clips and set up my bike with no help, she kept coming over and asking, " Are you okay?" with a concerned look on her face. I tried to tell her that though I don't often take Spinning classes at that gym, I take them at the YMCA and that i was fine.
I know what she saw. I get red-faced and sweaty when I work out, and, let's face it, my body does not look like that of an experienced athlete. It makes me sad that when I see the photos from last week's triathlon, all I can see is my belly and how much larger I look than the other women in the frame.
I want my inner warrior on full view instead of obscured in a soggy red casing. Today's million-dollar question: How to reconcile this need with the need for self-acceptance that I truly believe is the only road to where I want to go.