I have a lot of ideas for a great post kicking around in my head, but today it felt like the weight of the world rolled off the spinning plate I was using to balance it over my head and fell on me. Since I've taken my Snazzy New Job, it feels like not much has gone right. I know that it really isn't true: I have a new house that I love, a great family, friends that I neglect terribly, beautiful kitties... lots of things are going well. But with my commute and the frequent travel, I feel like I barely have the energy to keep my head above water. I thought my dissertation was hard until I graduated and got a job. Now I'm daydreaming about being a graduate assistant, which was a perfect life except for the lack of money and the unfinished dissertation hanging around my neck like an albatross. I was fit, walked to work, took care of myself, and enjoyed my writing some of the time.
Lately I've felt just plain FINE: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional, as my shrink used to say when I had time to see her. I have felt on the verge of tears at inopportune and inappropriate moments. I've been trying to do what I can: Squeeze in some time for exercise, find a way to make my commute more pleasant, remind myself how lucky I really am. But I've still been irritable. Just one example: A friend sent a picture message to my telephone. I don't pay for bells and whistles on my cell phone besides a minimal texting plan, and I was unreasonably annoyed by this, because it reminded me that I haven't been in touch with her and that she probably felt hurt about that, and I couldn't handle the sense of guilt along with all my stress. I sent back a snappish message and immediately felt bad. But I still didn't call back like I should have.
I am hoping that my friends have other, better friends to talk to besides grouchy, angry, resentful me. I'm getting by better than you would think from this post, but barely. I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that everything works out the way it needs to. And I'm taking a few days off to catch up on non-work responsibilities and maybe squeeze in a little R&R.
Hopefully, after a few days I'll be able to cheerfully get back to Snazzy Job and remember again why I felt lucky to get it.