On Friday I knew I had eaten a lot of high-points stuff and really, really didn't want to count it all up. I just couldn't face the number. But then I found that yesterday, not knowing where I stood was making it easier to continue to make food choices that I knew weren't in my best interest. Sure, I enjoyed the snacks, the wine, the pasta, the bread... but I knew that I would continue to go crazy if I didn't just sit down, write everything out, and take the time to figure the points out. It only took a few minutes. It wasn't the hassle I was avoiding, it was the feeling of having messed up. Again.
It turns out that I'm in the hole on my Weekly Allowance Points by 19 right now. If I can draw a line in the sand and stop going over, I might still have a loss on Tuesday. Even if I don't, it's at least damage control. I know that I have a tendency to think that once I've messed up the week, it's just easier to start over after my weigh-in. That has been responsible for a lot of those little upward ticks you see on my weight chart. I think that a better strategy is starting over right now. At the very least, I can keep the gain small, and not have to face the results of the kind of four-day free-for-all this thinking usually inspires. My friend M. from my meetings has told me she thinks it's brave to write things down even when I'm screwing up. I think it's the only choice I have, really. Keeping my journal pretty by only writing down the good days doesn't help me or anyone else. And, as my leader said a few weeks ago, "The body keeps an accurate journal, no matter what we write down."