yes, Oprah really does know all

A few weeks ago, I bought an Ann Taylor suit jacket at the mall. I had seen this jacket on the website, but it had almost immediately sold out in my size online. The store had two of the jackets in my size, but did not have the matching skirt or pants in a 12. The very nice saleswomen were, however, able to find the pants in my size at another store and have them sent to me for the purchase price plus $7.50 in shipping. I asked about the skirt and they said, "There is no skirt, this suit was only available with slacks." Though I thought there had been a skirt, I was willing to believe I might have been wrong. But I wasn't 100% convinced, and since I was traveling to another city with better shopping, I thought I would take a look anyway. The saleswoman at the Big City store said, "No, there was never a skirt with this suit, only the triacetate suits have skirts." Triacetate, by the way, is a fancy name that allows Ann Taylor to sell a polyester skirt for almost $100.

I got online that night to check the website for a skirt that might work, even if it didn't match exactly, and there was the skirt that three different saleswomen had sworn did not exist and had never existed. I know I had looked for the skirt online after buying the jacket and had not found it. Too bad I didn't find it sooner, because now only a size 00 and a size 14 were available online. There was a number that I could call that might be able to track down the skirt now that I had the style number. I called, and they were sold out of size 12 nationwide, but they did have a 10. Sometimes I can wear a smaller size in skirts than in pants, so I ordered the 10 (for another $7.50 shipping) because I really wanted it. I look so much better in skirts than in pants that, if I ever do get a job interview, I am somewhat convinced that having a skirt might be the difference between getting a job and not getting a job. Of course, when it arrived, the skirt was tight. It went on and zipped, but it made me look pregnant and the rear view would have been a big hit with Sir Mix-a-Lot.

I still wasn't willing to give up. I plan to lose a few more pounds, and I also remembered Lori's hilarious review of Spanx and Assets ("as seen on OPRAH!"). I read a few other reviews that suggested, just as Oprah had promised, that they really could make you look a full size smaller without cutting off your circulation. I decided to wait to make a final decision on the skirt until I tried it on with one of these miraculous undergarments.

Well, yesterday I found myself at Target with some time to kill, and went to the hosiery section and picked up a pair of the Assets "Unbelieveable Underwear" in the size recommended by the sizing chart. I was walking around the store carrying them around and trying to decide if I really wanted them when I ran into my aunt. We talked and I showed the package to her. She said, "Oh, Oprah swears by those. She says all the stars were wearing them at the Oscars." So I decided to go ahead and buy them, adding another $15 to the cost of this outfit, plus the other $100 of random stuff I always end up with every time I go to a Target store. I really, really hope I get an interview now, because I need a better job just to pay for the suit and associated expenses.

I tried on the skirt, first without the Assets and then with. The Assets looked like the control-top part of a pair of pantyhose, just a little longer. They went on like a stretchy pair of bike shorts. They didn't feel tight, but when I put the skirt back on, the result really was amazing. They tightened everything up just enough to make the skirt fit. I still think I'd look better in it if my stomach was a little flatter, so I will definitely keep working on the weight loss and maybe slip a few Pilates moves into my routine. But I will never doubt Oprah (or Lori) again.