Sunday, March 11, 2007
should my food journal be for my eyes only?
I'll admit it, I've always been a little neurotic about food, and especially about people judging what I eat. I wasn't a fat kid, exactly, but I was a normal little girl with a little girl pot belly, and we spent a lot of time around the swimming pool. My mother, my aunt, and some of my adult cousins were thin and looked very cute in their bikinis as they slathered themselves with oil and roasted in the sun. The women in my family who were overweight spent a lot of time putting themselves down about it. Men in my family were pretty open about their appreciation for thin, pretty women and their disdain for fat ones. We were always warned not to get fat because men don't like fat women. I remember one day in my bathing suit, my grandmother looking at me while I was eating and saying, "You sure have a healthy appetite," and knowing it was not intended as a compliment. I love my family but I definitely got a lot of my neuroses about food and my body from them.
Lately I've been sharing my food journal online with a few friends. Even though I've been pretty happy with my weight loss up to this point, I have been sloppy with my food lately and I feel really embarassed about it. I have been going over my points a lot of days, not just a little but by double-digit numbers, for the last couple of weeks.
I'm not sure whether the group journal has something to do with that but sometimes I feel a little defiant when I decide I'm ordering Chinese food for dinner, or going to have the Cheez-Its at the party because I anticipate them shaking their heads at what I'm doing with food. It's not necessarily that they say anything negative, but I supply the dialogue in a lot of the situations where I feel people are judging my food.
I have been very good about journaling for the last three months, journaling everything, even the screw-ups, honestly and counting the points. So I'm starting to wonder if I'm gaining anything by putting it out there for other people's eyes or if it's just adding to my level of insanity. I know where I need to improve. So I'm starting to think I might need to go it alone for a while.
"Count your calories, work out when you can, and try to be good to yourself. All the rest is bulls**t." -- Jillian Michaels at BlogHer '07