I did a lot of driving this weekend, about 300 miles or so. I listened to a Carolyn Myss lecture on CD and, when that was over, listened to a little bit of Codependent No More (though the latter is starting to get a bit old to me and I plan to put it away for a while). Both have some similar threads about detatching from outcomes. I think that's relevant for me with the job search and with the weight loss thing. I have been all wrapped up in trying to will everything to go the way I want it to, and guess what, kiddies? Wanting really hard doesn't make things happen. In fact, it makes you feel desperate and crazed and mostly sets off sabotaging, stupid behaviors.
So I'm doing my best to detatch. Myss also said something to the effect of "People will never forgive you if you change their plans for your life." I think this is another reason that doing the right things is so hard, because it's easy to have guilt about the idea that you're messing up other people's lives by changing yours. But again, doing what I need to do and detatching from the judgements of other people -- yes, they might feel that way, but is it really my problem? -- is something I also need to work on.
In between CDs, when I was driving and didn't want to fool around with switching things, I scanned the radio for clear stations and got a radio preacher. I am probably odd because I get curious about these and listen to them. My own knowledge of the Bible is pretty sketchy -- I know the stuff they used to read to us in Catholic masses and some stories from the illustrated bible stories books my grandmother used to keep at her house. But the idea of bible study isn't something that they ever promoted to me in Catholic school and even though we have a couple of Bibles around the house (I have a King James and my husband has some other version that Episcopalians used), they're pretty dusty. Anyway, this guy was discussing Joseph (of Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat fame) and how, in the chapter that talks about Joseph being imprisoned, it says, "Joseph was a prosperous man." The preacher's point was that even though his circumstances were dire, Joseph was favored by God and lived his life well, and so he was prosperous. (Editorial comment: Hopefully everyone won't freak out at the mention of the G-word, because I know that I also have that tendency. The point is how it made me think.)
The station didn't stay clear long enough for me to hear where the radio preacher was going with this lecture, which is probably for the best. It let me think about this in my own terms. I let that run through my mind for a while, the idea of how to maintain that feeling of being prosperous and blessed and like someone who is living well. I think this might be the answer to the question that Lori discussed in her Angry Fat Girlz post about how to fill the void left when we stop overeating for comfort. I think that this feeling -- propserous, blessed, living well -- is the answer, which is what 12 Step groups have been saying all this time. It's funny, because in all the furor over "The Secret," people seem not to realize that these ideas are not new. "Believe, trust, and live one day at a time" is an old idea. But it's hard, which I guess is why it helps to hear it a lot of different ways. It's like we have to rebuild the idea from scratch in our hearts, and each thing we read or hear is another piece of it.
So my goal for this week is to live with that feeling for a while and see where it takes me. And to detatch from the outcomes.