As I get close to my weight goal, I'm starting to think more about maintenance. This time around, I want to stay within my goal range instead of watching the numbers bounce around like crazy.
Part of this seems to be about making peace with my body. I haven't been very kind to it over the years. I've used it as a scapegoat for everything that didn't go 100% the way I wanted in my life. I've exercised it too hard, or not enough. I've eaten too little or way too much. I haven't been a good friend to my body, and it has been very kind to me. It's strong and resilient and relatively healthy. Some of the things I've been less-than-happy with about it, like my large thighs, are also the same things that have allowed me to do some of the things I love to do: Hike, ride my bike, swim.
Another part of it is really being honest with myself about what I want and what I'm willing to do. I was planning to go swimming yesterday at 5:30 with a group on campus, but it meant coming home from work, waiting around for a couple of hours and then going out to swim right at the time I really wanted dinner. So I decided that time isn't realistic for me -- I'm going to swim at a time that is more convenient for me. I'm still hammering out an exercise schedule that will help me achieve my goals -- I want to do some sprint triathlons this summer -- but not burn me out. The thing that bothered me most yesterday was that I should have known I wouldn't want to swim at that time. The only reason I even said I would is because some of the team members had been hounding me about it.
That's the biggest thing right there, too, doing what I want to do, at least most of the time, instead of doing what other people want me to do. I am not saying I want to be completely selfish, but I do need to take care of myself and not worry so much about what everyone else thinks. This has always been a big problem for me.
So those are some of the things that are knocking around in my head. I'm a little superstitious about saying this, but I'm starting to feel good about the way I look. This is one of my more annoying neuroses, the idea that if I say anything positive about myself, I'm bragging or being a prima donna. This is probably because of the "Mean Girls" attitude a lot of women have, that if someone is actually happy with herself, they have to knock her down. But I'm not in junior high anymore, so I think that it's time I got over that. I'm just starting to see that even with all my imperfections, I'm pretty happy with how I'm turning out. Finally. At 36 years old, maybe I'm starting to grow up a little.